Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Trial Of Chris Cornell

Chris Cornell, you stand accused of committing almost a decade's worth of criminally offensive music. Do you have anything to say in your defense or would you rather have a song produced by Will.I.Am of Black Eyed Peas and co-written by Diane Warren and Max Martin? Seriously, do you even make anything worth listening to anymore?


After Soundgarden ended, your material has consisted of forgettable solo albums and Audioslave, which was equally as forgettable (so much potential, so little awesomeness). In fact, the only thing I've honestly thought was somewhat interesting, so far anyway, is American Idol's 2008 winner David Cook's single, "Light On," which you co-wrote. It's not a bad song and would've been better had you sung it...or so I thought. The man with one of the greatest voices of the last 30 years is a man who would rather waste it on making club bangers, I'm sorry, I meant to say "sociological experiments" (thanks Sterogum. Theriogum). Come on, you sang about breaking through rusty cages, the day you tried to live and "feeling Minnesota" and now the best you can come up with it is "that bitch ain't a part of me." Wow...just wow.

Now, I understand you, for some weird reason, wanted to work with Timabaland and that could've been an interesting combination if it weren't for the fact that neither of you have really created anything in the past few years worthy of your names. Timbaland, at least, has two up on you with that weird, early 90's Capcom opening logo beat in 50 Cent's "Ayo Technology" (I hate Fiddy but I love the beat) and the fact that some of your work with Justin Timberlake has dug its way into my brain but even he has produced some crap these days. If you need an example, look no further than the three tracks he produced on Bjork's 2007 album, Volta. Those tracks were, without a doubt, the worst tracks on the album.

Back to Cornell, why did you decide to work with Timbaland? The man took an awesome singer-songwriter named Nelly Furtado and turned her into a club hopping, ass shaking sellout. Sure, she sold more records then she previously had but at what cost? Now, you've gone into his world and come back with something lamer than David Hasselhoff's music career. Seriously, I'd rather listen to Nickelback. At least they haven't fallen from greatness (it's not a long fall when you're two inches from hell) and are quite amusing (not their lyrics, I mean they are really an amusing band to listen to because their songs are all the same...bad). Really, you're hanging out and writing songs with the OneRepublic singer? Do you owe someone money?

From this point on, you should never perform another Soundgarden song in concert ever (yet, you still perform them). Hell, at this point, leave Audioslave with some sort of dignity and never perform them either. Just go up on stage and bore people for 90 minutes and watch the ladies in the club do that slutty dance they do when they're standing in front of their guy (people, you know the dance I'm talking about. They put the one arm up and shimmy downward before bouncing back up and shaking their ass...yeah, that dance). The only reason I write this is because you used to be cool and now you're just...useless.

In closing, please stop making music. Please never consider a Soundgarden reunion because, now, it looks pretty desperate. Please stop embarassing yourself. It's been almost a decade and the future is not looking promising. All in all, just stop.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present...Part Of Me

3 comments:

  1. I had to stop that after 10 seconds...no lie.

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  2. Probably a good idea. It gets worse the longer you listen to it and you really start hating Cornell for this.

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  3. Wow after hearing the chorus all I can say is "what a sexist piece of shit".

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