Tuesday, September 1, 2009


This was supposed to be a review of the Nine Inch Nails concert at the Aragon Ballroom on August 28, 2009. The key word is "was." The band was great and set featured a vast selection of songs ranging from hits and singles like "Head Like A Hole" and "March Of The Pigs" to instrumental numbers from The Fragile and Ghosts I-IV as well as an appearance from Peter Murphy of Bauhaus. While all of this was great, I had trouble focusing on the performance due to the abundance of annoyance surrounding me. Eventually, this annoyance became more of an event than the concert itself which is sad because I spent way too much to be annoyed and I really wanted to see Nine Inch Nails. So, there will not going to be a review, instead, you get this helpful guide.

How To Enjoy The Band And Not Be An Annoying Fan: The Friendly Guide To Making A Concert Enjoyable For Yourself And Others Around You

1. Don't be an ass - This is first for a good reason because there are many ways to be ass at a concert. You can be a drunk ass. You can be a pushy ass. Hell, you can be a loud ass. Either of these things means you will die alone because this is pretty much an indicator of how actually are in life and remember, nobody likes like an ass.

2. Stop getting wasted - This rule follows the first rule but to a deeper extent. Wasted people at concerts are very annoying. They're always yelling, talking, kicking around empty plastic cups and. most importantly, cheering in a way that only makes sense in their head such as yelling for encores long after the house lights are up and the headlining act's equipment is being taken down or claiming that an opening band is "the greatest band ever" when they are barely entertaining, if even that.

3. If you want to be in the front, get there early - That rule clearly explains itself. Stop waiting until the headlining act, to barge your way toward the front of the stage. You had plenty of time to walk into the venue and claim your spot on the floor. This rule really applies to men and big men at that. It would be one thing if you moved up during the intermission but you always wait until the first note of the main act to charge up to the front and bully people into moving. Stop being a dick and get the spot you want before the show begins.

4. If you want to move through the crowd, be polite - This goes with the last rule and applies to everyone. I don't have a problem with letting you through but don't push your way past people and don't charge over people standing there. Keep doing that and someone will trip you. In all likeliness, you probably deserve it.

5. Stop leaving the crowd for beer - It goes like this. You keep leaving to spend more and more money on beer which leaves you with less and less money in your pocket and a chance for someone to push their way into your spot on the floor. Now, that you're broke with a beer in a plastic cup in your hand, have fun getting through the audience with that beer intact. Futhermore, how much of the show can you watch from the washroom.

6. Stop talking - During the intermissions, it's fine. A brief comment or question during the show is fine. Constant jibber-jabber during the show, however, is not fine. Listen, your philosophies and theories to life and how it relates to the concert you're attending is not important. It's not important to people you're with and it's not important to the people trying to enjoy the concert around you and your incessant yapping. Shut up, no one cares. This is especially important when the last song is the set is a touching, emotional closer. Be quiet already!

7. Crowd sing-a-longs are for choruses and whenever the singer turns the mic to the crowd - Bill Withers once yelled at an audience for singing his songs with him because if you're singing them, why is he bothering to entertain you. No one pays to hear an entire audience sing an entire set and off-key or off-time at that. No matter how loud a person is singing into a microphone, 5,000 people singing every note back at that person will be louder. Don't get me wrong, in a way, it is really cool to have that many people know your words and songs but still, I'd rather be the person performing than the performer being performed to.

8. Cell phones are not lighters - I know you don't smoke or maybe, you do and want to look cooler but nothing replaces the lighter. Nothing.

9. Stop tweaking before or during a show - Tweaking leads you looking slackjawed, dead in the eyes and lighting blunts at concerts. You're not cool and being wacked out of your mind is not cool either. Futhermore, you become like the person in the first rule and on top of that, you're 40, balding and possibly sleeping with your sister,daughter or whatever.

10. Don't wear the shirt of the band you're going to see - As Droz (Jeremy Piven) in PCU said, "Don't be that guy," and he's right. You look lame. We know what band you came to see because you're at the actual concert. Tour t-shirts are mementos and can be worn anywhere because you were at the event or just bought a shirt that says you were there and are trying to be cool. Band t-shirts can be worn anywhere to say that you love this band and people should know that. Once you're at a concert of that band, those elements are out. You just look lame and need to stop doing that. Don't be that guy...don't be that guy.

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